


Than you could possibly know

by DisappointingGay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, I wrote this instead of homework, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 21:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12541248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappointingGay/pseuds/DisappointingGay
Summary: Jared has been treating Evan like shit for too long.





	Than you could possibly know

"Hey, Jared? You maybe wanna come over tonight?"

"The fuck are you asking me for?"

"W-Well my mom wont be home, and I was thinking we could rent a movie, maybe play some video games? I have enough money for Chinese..."

"You said your mom won't be home?"

"Y-yeah..."

"So that means your mom won't be able to tell my parents what a nice guy I was?"

"W-well, no..."

"Then I ask again, why the fuck did you ask me?"

"C-cuz I thought-"

"Listen, Evan. We're not friends. I wouldn't even hang out with you if I didn't have to. For car insurance."

"O-oh. Sorry for asking, I guess."

\---

"Jared? Could you maybe proofread my essay?"

"Uggghh, fine. God, do I need to do everything for you?"

"Y-y'know its fine, Jared, you don't need to."

"No, I will. But remember, It's only because I have to, okay?"

"No, Jared. Really, you don't need to. Don't worry about it. I don't want to be a burden."

"Too fuckin' late for that."

"O-oh."

"Wait-"

"N-no, its f-fine. I g-gotta g-go, a-actually."

"Wait, Ev-"

"A-actually I n-need to p-print s-something for n-n-next class, s-so..."

"Evan, I-"

"G-goodbye, J-jared. S-sorry."

\---

"W-where are you going?"

"The fuck does it look like, Evan? I'm going to eat lunch."

"Well, yeah, no, I mean, I figured that part out, but like, we usually sit over there, and-"

"I'm not sitting with you. I have real friends to sit with."

"O-oh. Goodbye, then."

"Whatever, Evan"

\---

"Hey, Jared, do you want to maybe sign my cast?"

"Why the hell would I want to do that, Evan?" 

"W-Well I dunno, I just thought that, since, y'know, we're friends and all, I thought that maybe-"

"Let me stop you right there, tree kink. We are just family friends. That's, like, a totally different thing."

"O-oh. S-sorry, I guess."

"Yeah, yeah. Remember to tell your mom to tel my mom I was nice to you, or my parents won't pay for my car insurance."

"O-okay. S-sorry, Jared."

"Whatever, Acorn."

\---

Evan hated himself. That much was practically a given, just look at him. He has chronically bad posture from trying to curl in on himself all the time. Nervous ticks and fidgets, a stutter. And if someone looked closer, they'd notice the cuticles and fingernails picked down to the point they were just little stubs. The scratches littering the insides of his arms, his shoulders, his thighs. 

And Jared hated him, too. All Evan had ever wanted was a friend. In the beginning, they were friends. Up until 4th grade, Jared would proudly sling his arm around Evan's neck and proclaim "This is my bestest friend in the whole wide world!" With a toothy smile.

When Evan's father left, and Evan cried at Jared's house for a week straight, Jared would hug Evan tight to his shoulder and let him sob, murmuring comforting things in his ear and stroking up and down his back. "It's okay, Ev. We can be a family without your dad. You, me, mom and dad, and Auntie Heidi. We don't even need him, Ev, I promise." 

When Evan had his first panic attack in the bathroom at school after Mrs. G asked him a question he didn't know the answer to and he stuttered in front of the entire class, Jared was there. He calmed Evan down by singing lullabies to him (they were the only songs his seven-year-old mind knew), and gave him his Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

But everything changed on the first day of fourth grade. Evan started freaking out during the first day of school icebreakers (He barely got through his first and last name before breaking down), and the entire class started laughing at him. Caleb Walker, the coolest guy in the class, nudged Jared with his shoe. 

"Hehe, look at the Freakshow! Can't even get through his darned name!" Jared chuckled uncomfortable a bit, avoiding looking at Evan. (It didn't matter to anyone, right? He just laughed a little bit. Hell, everyone was, it was kind of funny. It's not like Evan would care, right?)

(Evan did care)

That was the first day Jared had called Evan a "family friend". He didn't really mean it, he just wanted to look cool in front of Caleb and his friends. Jared had never really been cool, it seemed like it would be fun to be popular. So when Caleb asked "Hey, you really friends with that Freakshow Hansen?" Jared swallowed, then said "Evan? No, were just," he searched for the right words, "family friends. You know, our moms make us hang out together." 

Caleb nodded. "That sucks, man. You seem too cool for a loser like Hansen." 

Jared nodded his head. "Yeah. If I could ditch him, I would. But, you know how moms are." 

Caleb smiled, "Hey, you wanna come over this Friday? I got a pool and a Wii." Umm. Fridays were family nights. The two families would get together, have dinner, then Evan and Jared would play together while their moms gossiped. 

"Yeah, sounds cool."

Evan found Jared after school that day. "Hey, you wanna come over after school? Mom made brownies!" He had a little light in his eye and a wide smile. Over his shoulder, Jared could see Caleb and his friends standing together, watching him. 

"No, Evan. That sounds lame. Besides, were just family friends. That means we don't hang out unless our moms make us." Evan shut down so quickly, it was like a light had been turned off inside him. Part of Jared wanted Evan to fight back, to yell in his face. But Evan just said a quiet "oh" and hung his head. He apologized to Jared, then began to walk home alone. Caleb walked over and gave Jared a big pat on the back. 

"That was so cool, man." Jared chuckled, and said "Yeah." 

He ignored how hurt Evan looked as he hung his head and walked ignored how guilty he felt over it. He certainly ignored how he felt like he had betrayed the only person he promised he'd be there for. 

\---  
EvanHansen- Hey Jared do u maybe wanna come over tonight and watch movies or something?

TheInsanelyCoolJaredKlienman has changed EvanHansen's name to CarInsurence

CarInsurence- Wow Jared

TheInsanelyCoolJaredKlienman- Yeah whatever man 

TheInsanelyCoolJaredKlienman- I mean I could be out with my actual friends

TheInsanelyCoolJaredKlienman- But I guess I could spend the night with you

CarInsurence- You don't have to if you don't want to 

CarInsurence- I mean its okay I'm fine I don't need you to if you don't want to

TheInsanelyCoolJaredKlienman- I'll be there in 15, tree kink

CarInsurence- Okay

CarInsurence- Thanks

\---

"H-hey, Jared."

"Sup, Hansen." Jared seemed to nonchalant, as Evan was nervously fidgeting. "You seem more nervous than usual." Evan blushed a bit. Yeah, he typically acted a bit less nervous around Jared.

"I-I ordered us I-Indian. O-over the phone." Jared smiled. He was, well, proud of Evan. Not that he cared that much about him (lie), he was just glad that Evan could do that. He knew that things were... difficult in middle school. 

\--- Flashback ---

It was the middle of the summer between seventh and eight grade. They were both thirteen, laying in Jared's backyard. Jared had been slightly less imposing on the whole "Just family friends thing" after Evan yelled at Caleb for making fat jokes about Jared. Evan was wearing long sleeves and jeans. 

"Hey, Ev?" 

"Yeah, Jared?"

"Why are you wearing all those shitty hot clothes? It's hot as fuck out here." (Jared had just learned some fun new curse words, and planned on us sing them as such as possible.

"Language, Jared. And- I just-" He sputtered out some response. Jared nodded, a bit confused. 

"Whatever, nerd". 

That night, when Evan was getting into bed, Jared saw his arm. The inside of his left arm and 6 little cuts on it. 

Cutting. Evan was cutting himself. It was something Jared had heard about on some tv show or another, and Evan was doing it, he was hurting himself, and fuck, this was all Jared's fault, wasn't it? 

"E-Ev..." 

"What?"

"Y-your arm..."

"Oh." Jared's eyes started to tear up, Evan's too. 

"You-you're-"

"It's really nothing, don't worry about it, please- I-"

"Shut the fuck up, Evan. Fucking stop apologizing."

Evan started to freak out. Jared was just his family friend. Why would he care? It wasn't like it was his fault- well, yes, a decent part of it was Jared's fault, but Jared shouldn't feel bad. Evan wasn't worth feeling bad over. 

"Promise me you'll stop."

"I-I- okay."

After that, Jared would check Evan's arm whenever he could, and true to his word, Evan did stop. But Jared would regret doing nothing. 

\---

"Ev, man! That's-" He saw the excited expression on his face, and took a centering breath. "Chill, man. That's chill, or whatever." He finished calmly. 

"O-oh, yeah, I guess. Or, whatever." 

Dammit, Evan. Get mad at Jared! He had been treating him like shit since 4th grade. Ditching him at lunch, teasing him relentlessly, just being an all around dick. Evan's self-hatred was internalized. His insecurities on display for everyone. But Jared? He hated himself too, but his was external. Teasing others, teasing himself. He wanted Evan to yell at him, to... to punish him. He knew he deserved it. He deserved Evan to call him names and scream at him. But he just took it. Evan had done something impressive for someone with his anxiety, he should be proud, but Jared (of course) took even that away from him. 

"Wait, Ev, I didn't mean-"

"N-no, no its fine. It's just ordering food, right? Not like anything matters. Not like it changed."

"Well, yeah, but that shit's hard for you, and I shouldn't have-"

"Really, Jared. I don't care."

\---

Evan and Jared were sitting on the couch, watching cartoons. Jared was spread out wide across the couch, with Evan sitting curled in on himself. Jared didn't care how Evan used to be wide open, but not any more. No, Jared didn't care (he did care). He was paying attention to Steven Universe, not Evan. 

"H-Hey, Jared?"

"Ugggggghhhhhhh whaaaaaat Evan?"

"I-I just had a question, I-I j-just-"

"And it was worth interrupting the show for?"

"W-wel, I g-guess not, b-but-"

"God, Evan, Being your friend is so annoying sometimes."

Evan took a deep breath. He spoke quietly. "T-then why are you?"

The smug smile Jared had previously been wearing faltered. "What?"

"Why do you hang out with me, Jared?" He wasn't stuttering, something Jared would usually secretly be proud of. But Evan seemed so mad and hurt.

"I-I don- what?"

"God, I know I'm such a burden, such a pathetic waste, so why don't you just go away? I'll lie to my mom, say whatever you want me to say."

Jared could barely handle what Evan was saying. He knew he had low self esteem, but this was a new low, this was... Jared's fault. Oh God, Evan believed every "family friends" joke, every mean comment Jared had ever said, hadn't he? Jared almost knew that he did, but he didn't think- 

"N-no, Evan, wha-"

"I know you don't give a shit about me, Jared! I know were just family friends, and that you hate me! So just go away! I know you wont miss me! I'm just a burden! I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you, I know! I know how much you hate me! So just go the Hell away and be happy without me!"

"Evan!" He clamped his arms around Evan's shoulders, who was stuttering and gasping by now. "Stop-don't- don't fucking say shit like that." 

"W-why n-n-n-not? 'S'true. I'm j-j-just a fu-fu-f-fuck-u-u-u-up." Jared's arm's encircled Evan' shaking frame, and he just held him. They just sat there, on the couch, sobbing. Evan remained silent, save for some quiet cries. Jared rocked them back, and forth, whispering "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" until his voice was horse. Even after, once Evan had cried himself to sleep in Jared's arms, Jared whispered one statement so passionately, so fiercely: "I love you more than you could possible know. 

\---

And they began to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok thats that. I have to go to a halloween party tonight, and I dont want to for so many reasons. Comment n shit to make me feel better about my shit writing.


End file.
